In the corner
Sat the girl I love And the girl I loved. In the corner Sat my future And my past. In the corner Sat my hope And my despair. In the corner Sat my smiles And my tears. In the corner Sat my self-confidence And my low self-esteem And as two walls meet My past and future met, The pain, the love The tears, the laughter The broken, the put back together In the corner Sat the girl I love And the girl I loved. And in the corner, I was not. Every corner has a comfy inside. Every corner has a sharp outside. And as I stood there, Technically on the inside, I'd never felt such a sharp pain As the outside corner slicing into my spine And making me wish I could forget. ~Margo
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Three days and a dance into my Sophomore year of high school.
The first day was a pretty typical first day. Except, of course, much less mind boggling anxiety due to my medication (thank god). I'm looking forward to most of my classes, except Spanish. The only thing I really But, oh well. I won't let the jerks rain on my parade. The second day was AWESOME. I'm not even sure why, honestly. Things were looking up, the people I couldn't stand were more bare able, and now I have dance to look forward to every day!!! I can't even describe how much I'm LOVING being on the dance team!! I finally feel like I'm a part of something. And a part that actually matters, at that. The third day, though… not so great. More like terrible. I forgot my iPad, leading to a near panic attack that caused my mom to speed home and back to get it to me during her plan, which made me feel like both a terrible daughter AND a terrible student. Weights was a free day, which I used to love, but there are only three girls in my class and therefore not enough people who wanted to play volleyball, which is what I always did. I got stuck with playing wall ball, which I actually do enjoy, but the first pitch went straight for my feet and the ball awkwardly hit them and bounced off and everyone look at me like I was stupid for not catching it. Then one of the guys was laughing while looking at me later in the game, for what reason I don't know. After that, I sat with one of my best friends apart from my main squad at lunch. However, she pretty much ignored me the whole time to talk to her guy friend, who used to be my friend until he defended rapists, and later threatened to report my other best friend's bae to the police for rape after they literally did nothing even remotely illegal??? Guitar was good, thought. Guitar is always good. Chemistry was boring as usual. So was seminar. However, we don't have dance on Fridays, so all I had to look forward too was the squad riding home with me then going to the back-to-school dance together before staying the night since we're house-sitting my grandparent's place so I can actually have friends over. I worked really hard to arrange it, especially since it's the first damn week of school. However, my best friend ditched on the whole thing, LIKE SHE ALWAYS FUCKING DOES, after complaining about not being able to come over here since my grandparents had to leave late after my grandma having heart surgery!!!!! But, my other two best buds in the squad stayed the night, even though they didn't ride home with my mom and I. The dance was okay… although it reminded me of the last dance, that I went to with my boyfriend who is no longer my boyfriend. Boy does it suck when a slow song you love comes on and you have no one to dance with. But, I love dances! And they were playing great music!! So I enjoyed it, jumping up and down with my best friends. But, of course, that joy didn't last too long. I was looking for my best pal, the one from lunch (let's call her Lisa) to tell her about this guy who I've been wanting to be friends with forever, and who is her friend, but I'm thinking I might like us to be a little something more… anyone, I find her sitting in a corner of the commons, because she's not a big fan of dances but she had to be there for school leadership reasons. Who was sitting next to her, you ask? The answer is the same to the question of who many of the poems on this blog are about. The one girl who hurt me the most who made me feel like shit, who broke my heart into pieces, who led to my trust issues, who's made me sob on so many occasions that it would be useless to try to count. They were being very buddy-buddy, but I went over anyway, because who gives a damn about her. I hugged Lisa and didn't bring up the guy thing, because she wasn't feeling great and I really didn't want to bother her. A song that I loved came on, and she told me to go dance because I was practically jumping up and down. When I came back after it ended, she and the the girl who broke my heart (TG) were gone, I asked another one of our mutual friends where Lisa had gone, and it turned out that they'd gone out to the back parking lot together to get some fresh air. I wish I could find the words to describe how awful I felt in that moment. My stomach dropped to the floor, my mouth got dry. It felt like I was gonna choke, or explode, or start sobbing, or maybe all three. I walked away, and danced for the rest of the night, feeling like I had swallowed a dumbbell. I've never wanted to, or thought I could, dictate who my friends were friends with. But they all know how much TG hurt me. Everyone knows, even though I'm pretty sure most of them like her more than they like me. I've always felt like, when a friend of yours is friends with someone who hurt you badly, it's like your friend is saying that it's okay that they hurt you. Like they're saying that all the pain you felt, and the tears that fell, don't matter to them. It hurts like hell. I can't even explain it. The night with my friends went well, better than expected. We had waffled for breakfast! I slept a lot today, trying to avoid the sleep-deprivedness that I experienced in my hellish (more than -ish) freshman year. I have a lot of homework to do tomorrow, but that's okay. And I have dance on Monday!!!! Yay!!!!!!! Well, that the report for the first week of school. Let's hope it goes up from here. ~Margo xx "I try, but it's so hard to believe. I try, but I can't see what you see." -Jesse McCartney I absolutely can't focus on my homework and I have less that two weeks to do all of it before school starts, but goddammit how am I supposed to focus with all this crap on my mind. I'm just gonna try to get it out.
I wish someone would read this and really care. I'm considering transferring schools next year. But every time I convince myself that it's what's best, that I need to take a risk and make the leap, I remember all that I'd be leaving being. The good, as well as the bad. Because I wouldn't just be leaving the bullies and the memories of them calling me names, throwing dodge balls at my head, telling me I don't matter. I'd be leaving the bullies I'd made friends out of, who apologized and became some of my closest friends. I wouldn't just be leaving the people I've burned bridges with, the friend who broke my heart and makes me feel ill whenever I see her, I'd be leaving the best friends who've stayed. The ones who gave a shit about me when even I didn't care what happened to me. How could I repay them for all their love and care by leaving them? But then again, I'd have to make the choice for myself, and not anyone else. Sometimes it feels like I'm deciding between education and friendship, which is an awful feeling. Plus, I've worked so hard for what I've gotten in Baldwin, for the friendships and the reputation as someone who isn't just a piece of shit nerd. I'm on teams! I'm in clubs! I don't want to let those people down, as well as leaving things that I love doing, that at some points have been the only reasons I didn't transfer earlier. I don't know whats right for me anymore, even though I sometimes know what's wrong. ~Margo I can't seem to get this whole Life thing down right.
I want to live a life full of joy. I don't need money or fame or infamy, I just want to be content. I want to be safe and healthy and most of all I want to help the people I love, and make sure they always live in contentness as well. Unfortunately, I don't think I can do that as well as doing what I love. At least, what I love right now. Maybe I love more things as well, I suppose I can't be sure yet. I've spent so much time writing, and told so many people that writing is my love, and one day I'll be a published author, that I'll change lives with my words. But the truth is, I'm not that sure. I love writing, and I really do want to help people via something I love doing. But what if writing isn't it? What if I simply won't make the cut? What if I'll have to sacrifice what I love for who I love? After all, it's hard to make a living by writing books, especially when you have a family to provide for. I know I should focus on I want, and not on what other people will think, but how awful would it be if I had to face the facts and tell everyone the writing can only be a hobby that I love? Then I'll be admitting failure to all the classmates, all the teachers, and the friends who have told me that there's no way I can do it. And what's even worse, how will I tell it to the people who've always encouraged my writing, and helped me in any way they could? How could I tell them that they wasted their time on my failed dreams? I don't know. I can't remember where I used to get my writing motivation. I suppose it was from the promise of love, of a fairy tale ending. Now everything is different. I've grown up, unfortunately, and my past dreams seem so unrealistic. I'd give anything to forget the last year. But maybe I wouldn't. I've gotten stronger, I've gotten better in some ways, but not particularly in the ways that I really want and need to. My skin is thicker, but that means that as well as the bad stuff, the good stuff is harder to get inside as well. I want to wake up and be surrounded by possibilities, rather than feel like I'm trapped in a cage. It's not that I'm afraid to face my fears, because I want to run out into the world and take as many risks as possible. It's just that to take risks, I'd have to abandon the things that I hate doing, but I know will look good on college applications and all that. I don't feel like I have the freedom necessary to take risks and make mistakes. I feel like I don't have time to enjoy myself, to live. And I hate it. With all my heart, I hate it. ~Margo "I can't get the balance right" -Don't Swallow the Cap, The National Life is full of gifts
The gift of life The gift of growth The gift of intelligence The gift of understanding The gift of friendship The gift of love The gift of hate The gift of heartbreak The gift of confusion The gift of progress The gift of loneliness The gift of passion The gift of birth The gift of wisdom The gift of regret The gift of hindsight The gift of death Life is a gift That we should appreciate Life is a gift That I opened too early. ~Margo "Everyone has a gift for something" -Unknown If I could only listen to one classical piece of music for the rest of my life, it would be Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. It makes me feel like I'm riding in the car on a cold winter day when no snow has fallen, but rain is pouring down, just lightly enough for me to see through the trees. I can see the fog of my breathe against the frosted glass beside me, and I can feel the cold seeping through and freezing my flesh while warming my bones. I'm on my was to something devastating and exciting, leaving a version of me in the past, spread out across the chilly, rocky concrete. I have many regrets but they are irrelevant and fail to sting like vomit in my stomach. My fingers are numb, as well as my nose and myself. It feels good. It feels disturbingly right.
I've always thought
We were like post-it notes You were yellow I was blue You were covered with cartoons and smudged pencil I was riddled with doodles in permanent ink You loved What I loved You laughed When I laughed We never cried At the same time I'll never stop wishing We could've been it But now we're stuck A confusing something ~Margo |
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December 2019
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