Hey there. So, two minor updates to begin with. I am becoming a slut for both Les Mis and Hamilton, despite the fact that I have seen neither and have only listened to the soundtracks. Empty Chairs at Empty Tables makes me so sad but I live for it, I Dreamed A Dream is my life anthem, and Yorktown is making me want to marry Daveed Diggs.
And of course, I'm here for a relationship update. I wish I thought to come on here when particularly good things happen as well as particularly bad things, but I just never do. So, Here's where my boyfriend and I are in terms of certain benchmarks we have passed as a couple. First we spent forever trying to be able to kiss each other without being incredibly awkward, which we have gotten MUCH better at, although anything involving me is bound to be at least slightly awkward. Then he touched the butt, which I am 110% for, and just general hands on body stuff. That was followed by sort-of hand stuff. I mean, okay, I tried to give him a handjob and he tried to stimulate me with his hands, but both activities ended with no particularly wonderful outcomes. We tried that again, at which time I was down to my underwear and bra, and he took his shirt off. However, I seem to just be flat out shit at giving handjobs, and he doesn't quite grasp how to properly get a lady off. Honestly it's really frustrating and I feel bad about it, but I'm trying to get better. Fast forward a while, to about six and half months into our relationship, when we finally said 'I love you'. I said it first, as per usual in the relationship, but it actually went really and I realized that how I felt in that moment was how you're supposed to always feel in a relationship. It shouldn't just be a constant worry weighing on my shoulders. I've always really liked the thought of, "It's not supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be worth it." But the way I felt would never be worth it. So I felt great for a hot second, and then here I am, a couple days later. Last night I went to a party at my friend's house (let's call her Jen). So my boyfriend (how about I refer to him as Edward) was there, as well as my bestest of best friends (Eliza? Yeah, that works), among a few other pals of ours. The night was going pretty well, although Edward was being hella grumpy, or at least looking like it, which is not unusual in the least for him. Before he had to go home (whereas I was going to spend the night at Jen's), we ended up making out for like twenty minutes in the back of his car. Then he had to leave so he could be home by curfew, and I was having a lovely time thinking it was a successful evening. Once he got home I got a text from him saying something along the lines of, "Are we ever going to try to do stuff again because we tried that one time and after that... nothing..." What. The. Fuck. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel?! Asking if we're ever going to be intimate again as if that was the only thing holding us together? As if it was my disinterest holding me back when in fact its crippling anxiety and trust issues that he's completely aware of?? And I know he probably didn't mean it way it sounded but it still hurt like a bitch, and I let it hurt me, and I spiraled and had a severe anxiety attack. Thus, I spent half an hour lying face down into a pillow on Jen's floor with my best friend Eliza trying to console me and calm me down. It fucking sucked. And when I told Edward what had happened, because I couldn't text him during that whole time, he said that he really hated that he makes me feel like. TO WHICH IM ALSO LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. I feel so terrible because it's not his fault, its my own fucking fault that sometimes I can't breathe in social situations, and frankly, I'm too goddamn much trouble than I'm worth. Basically the situation sucks and I'm horrified that I'm on the edge of losing a relationship to my mental health issues, yet again. I just don't want to think of my life without Edward in it. It's awful. ~Margo "But there are dreams that cannot be, And there are storms we cannot weather," -I Dreamed a Dream, Les Mis
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MargoMy name isn't Margo. Archives
December 2019
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