To be or not to be- that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep. . . Shit. I have to memorize "To Be Or Not To Be" from Hamlet for an acting class, and that's all I've got so far. Granted, that's already fulfilling like half of the required amount of lines to memorize, but I am determined to learn the whole. damn. thing. Well, that's all I've got for today. ~Margo xx "But that the dread of something after death / The undiscovered country, from whose bourn / No traveller returns. . ." -Hamlet,William Shakespeare
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Hey there.
I was looking in the archives of this blog to find some of my poetry and I realized that it's been over a year since I started posting here. Wow. In some ways it feels like only a few months, and in some ways I can barely remember even making it. I've noticed that this site has had visitors- I'm not quite sure what that's about? I have no idea if it's some automated viewing thing and no people are actually seeing it, or if people have typed in the wrong url and gotten this. But, if there's anyone actually reading this... hey homie. What's up? How have you been? Why do you care even remotely about my lame ass life? Today was weird. As. Hell. I went to a surprise birthday party for a friend of mine and guuueeeees who was there. Yup. both my recent ex-friend whom I posted about a little while ago, and my ex-best friend from years ago whom completely wrecked all of my self-confidence and it one of the main reasons I have extreme trust issues. It was so strange, and they were being super pleasant towards me... idk man. There were people around, so I figured I could just ignore them, but for like twenty minutes it was just the three of us sitting on a trampoline and talking about random stuff. Reminiscing, even. I really don't know how to feel about it. I can't find any describable emotions, except a little sadness over how much time I spent getting to know them and making memories and learning to trust them, just for it to come to this. Occasional texts with one, and always looking away when my eyes meet with the other. So weird. I got into a bit of a fight with my boyfriend earlier tonight. Well, it wasn't really a fight, more of a frustrated conversation, I suppose? I got home from the party at like 9:30ish, and had settled in for the night to do some homework, read some fic, and go to bed so I could get some sleep and hang out with bae tomorrow. You see, he had his final performance in the school play tonight (which is why he couldn't also be at the party) and had the cast party afterwards. He wanted me to come, because I'm best pals with like half the cast, but I told him I was already home from the previous party. Then, he asked if I would be okay with him and our friends picking me up at 1:00am. So, of course, I was like, "Hell no." Like, seriously, I would never ever fucking sneak out of my house in the wee hours of the morning. Not even because I would get in trouble, but because I'm horrified that my parents would notice that I'm gone and freak the hell out and be super worried about me. I relayed this to my boyfriend, however he than said that I'm never up for adventures anymore. You see, his parents don't give a crap what he's out doing late at night, whereas mine don't/can't go to sleep until I'm home safe. I told him that, and he's just frustrated cause I keep turning down his insane showing-up-at-my-house-after-midnight plans, not because I don't want to see him, because I DO, but because it would be hella selfish of me to do that kind of thing. I just. Ugh. I think we got it kind of worked out, but I'm not sure. Now I'm starting to wonder if I actually will go over to his house tomorrow. . . I don't know if he'll want me to. ~Margo "Life keeps getting in the way. Whenever we try, somehow the plan is always rearranged. It's so hard to say, but I've gotta do what's best for me." -High School Musical 2 I have this problem.
I am becoming increasingly worried about myself because I frequently think, "Why should I go outside and live my life when I so deeply enjoy laying in my bed and obsessing over korean boyband groups while imagining that the fics I'm reading are real and where I belong. What the hell. Okay, now, I've deal with this sort of thing before, particularly when I first entered the One Direction fandom. Yes, I do admit I am incredibly embarrassed by the fact of how hardcore of a fan I was (Yes, I wrote fanfiction, and yes, I would rather be violently murdered than let anyone see it), but, I do not regret it. Being a part of the One Direction fandom opened me up to the wonders of the internet, and through it I met some of my best friends. It also opened me up to writing, which is currently what I aim to spend the rest of my life doing. I slowly fell out of the One Direction fandom as I grew less and less fond of their music, although I certainly still cared about they were doing as human beings, because they had given me so much joy and I was in it for the long haul whether I liked it or not. But, I stopped spending all of my free time reading fics about them either falling in love with each other or with an OC (who I always imagined myself being, of course), and I no longer had concerning heart palpitations every time I saw a gifset of Louis smiling on my tumblr dashboard. Although I missed being so excited and passionate about something, it was honestly relieving to not constantly feel like my life without fiction wasn't a waste of time, because why actually live life when I could just imagine living it. Now, fast forward to mid-sophomore year of high school. I am aware of the existence of kpop, but not particularly interested in listening to it or being anywhere near it. However, one fateful day I clicked on the Call Me Baby music video by EXO after frequently seeing it in the suggestions on YouTube, and my life was changed forever. I am now surprised when I turn the radio on and hear music that I understand. Now, I don't exclusively listen to kpop, as I am still hardcore trash for Panic! At The Disco, Fall Out Boy, Twenty-One Pilots, New Politics, Hoodie Allen, etc., but sometimes I go days without listening to songs that are in my native language. Now it's not just EXO, it's also Got7, BTS, BigBang, Twice, and many more. I have over 1,400 photos of Kim Jongin saved in a folder on my phone. I watched all three seasons of Real GOT7 in two days. I have a friend who yells "BAMBAM" at me in Spanish class just to see me drop everything because I heard the name of my bae, AND HE'S NOT EVEN MY BIAS. Don't even get me starting on fucking Wang Jackson I sWEAR. Recently I was asked during truth or dare if I had had more sexual thoughts about EXO or my boyfriend. I said EXO. My boyfriend was in the room. My love of kpop has gone so far to bother my boyfriend because he's concerned that I like them more than him. DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH OF A PROBLEM THIS IS. I would venture to say it's not entirely unhealthy, though. Kpop has exposed me to learning about a new culture and seeing how incredible it is that people who don't even speak the same language can come together over thousands of miles to support a group of people we've never even met. I mean, that's pretty flipping incredible if you think about it. Well, I don't really have a conclusion about all of this, or a bullshit moral that I made up simply to tell myself that I don't have a problem. But, y'know, I very much enjoy spending every night reading fics about two korean boys falling in love and occasionally fucking. It makes my lil gay heart smile. #Kaisoo #Sekai #Markson #Jackbam ~Margo |
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December 2019
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