I can't seem to get this whole Life thing down right.
I want to live a life full of joy. I don't need money or fame or infamy, I just want to be content. I want to be safe and healthy and most of all I want to help the people I love, and make sure they always live in contentness as well. Unfortunately, I don't think I can do that as well as doing what I love. At least, what I love right now. Maybe I love more things as well, I suppose I can't be sure yet. I've spent so much time writing, and told so many people that writing is my love, and one day I'll be a published author, that I'll change lives with my words. But the truth is, I'm not that sure. I love writing, and I really do want to help people via something I love doing. But what if writing isn't it? What if I simply won't make the cut? What if I'll have to sacrifice what I love for who I love? After all, it's hard to make a living by writing books, especially when you have a family to provide for. I know I should focus on I want, and not on what other people will think, but how awful would it be if I had to face the facts and tell everyone the writing can only be a hobby that I love? Then I'll be admitting failure to all the classmates, all the teachers, and the friends who have told me that there's no way I can do it. And what's even worse, how will I tell it to the people who've always encouraged my writing, and helped me in any way they could? How could I tell them that they wasted their time on my failed dreams? I don't know. I can't remember where I used to get my writing motivation. I suppose it was from the promise of love, of a fairy tale ending. Now everything is different. I've grown up, unfortunately, and my past dreams seem so unrealistic. I'd give anything to forget the last year. But maybe I wouldn't. I've gotten stronger, I've gotten better in some ways, but not particularly in the ways that I really want and need to. My skin is thicker, but that means that as well as the bad stuff, the good stuff is harder to get inside as well. I want to wake up and be surrounded by possibilities, rather than feel like I'm trapped in a cage. It's not that I'm afraid to face my fears, because I want to run out into the world and take as many risks as possible. It's just that to take risks, I'd have to abandon the things that I hate doing, but I know will look good on college applications and all that. I don't feel like I have the freedom necessary to take risks and make mistakes. I feel like I don't have time to enjoy myself, to live. And I hate it. With all my heart, I hate it. ~Margo "I can't get the balance right" -Don't Swallow the Cap, The National
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December 2019
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