Three days and a dance into my Sophomore year of high school.
The first day was a pretty typical first day. Except, of course, much less mind boggling anxiety due to my medication (thank god). I'm looking forward to most of my classes, except Spanish. The only thing I really But, oh well. I won't let the jerks rain on my parade. The second day was AWESOME. I'm not even sure why, honestly. Things were looking up, the people I couldn't stand were more bare able, and now I have dance to look forward to every day!!! I can't even describe how much I'm LOVING being on the dance team!! I finally feel like I'm a part of something. And a part that actually matters, at that. The third day, though… not so great. More like terrible. I forgot my iPad, leading to a near panic attack that caused my mom to speed home and back to get it to me during her plan, which made me feel like both a terrible daughter AND a terrible student. Weights was a free day, which I used to love, but there are only three girls in my class and therefore not enough people who wanted to play volleyball, which is what I always did. I got stuck with playing wall ball, which I actually do enjoy, but the first pitch went straight for my feet and the ball awkwardly hit them and bounced off and everyone look at me like I was stupid for not catching it. Then one of the guys was laughing while looking at me later in the game, for what reason I don't know. After that, I sat with one of my best friends apart from my main squad at lunch. However, she pretty much ignored me the whole time to talk to her guy friend, who used to be my friend until he defended rapists, and later threatened to report my other best friend's bae to the police for rape after they literally did nothing even remotely illegal??? Guitar was good, thought. Guitar is always good. Chemistry was boring as usual. So was seminar. However, we don't have dance on Fridays, so all I had to look forward too was the squad riding home with me then going to the back-to-school dance together before staying the night since we're house-sitting my grandparent's place so I can actually have friends over. I worked really hard to arrange it, especially since it's the first damn week of school. However, my best friend ditched on the whole thing, LIKE SHE ALWAYS FUCKING DOES, after complaining about not being able to come over here since my grandparents had to leave late after my grandma having heart surgery!!!!! But, my other two best buds in the squad stayed the night, even though they didn't ride home with my mom and I. The dance was okay… although it reminded me of the last dance, that I went to with my boyfriend who is no longer my boyfriend. Boy does it suck when a slow song you love comes on and you have no one to dance with. But, I love dances! And they were playing great music!! So I enjoyed it, jumping up and down with my best friends. But, of course, that joy didn't last too long. I was looking for my best pal, the one from lunch (let's call her Lisa) to tell her about this guy who I've been wanting to be friends with forever, and who is her friend, but I'm thinking I might like us to be a little something more… anyone, I find her sitting in a corner of the commons, because she's not a big fan of dances but she had to be there for school leadership reasons. Who was sitting next to her, you ask? The answer is the same to the question of who many of the poems on this blog are about. The one girl who hurt me the most who made me feel like shit, who broke my heart into pieces, who led to my trust issues, who's made me sob on so many occasions that it would be useless to try to count. They were being very buddy-buddy, but I went over anyway, because who gives a damn about her. I hugged Lisa and didn't bring up the guy thing, because she wasn't feeling great and I really didn't want to bother her. A song that I loved came on, and she told me to go dance because I was practically jumping up and down. When I came back after it ended, she and the the girl who broke my heart (TG) were gone, I asked another one of our mutual friends where Lisa had gone, and it turned out that they'd gone out to the back parking lot together to get some fresh air. I wish I could find the words to describe how awful I felt in that moment. My stomach dropped to the floor, my mouth got dry. It felt like I was gonna choke, or explode, or start sobbing, or maybe all three. I walked away, and danced for the rest of the night, feeling like I had swallowed a dumbbell. I've never wanted to, or thought I could, dictate who my friends were friends with. But they all know how much TG hurt me. Everyone knows, even though I'm pretty sure most of them like her more than they like me. I've always felt like, when a friend of yours is friends with someone who hurt you badly, it's like your friend is saying that it's okay that they hurt you. Like they're saying that all the pain you felt, and the tears that fell, don't matter to them. It hurts like hell. I can't even explain it. The night with my friends went well, better than expected. We had waffled for breakfast! I slept a lot today, trying to avoid the sleep-deprivedness that I experienced in my hellish (more than -ish) freshman year. I have a lot of homework to do tomorrow, but that's okay. And I have dance on Monday!!!! Yay!!!!!!! Well, that the report for the first week of school. Let's hope it goes up from here. ~Margo xx "I try, but it's so hard to believe. I try, but I can't see what you see." -Jesse McCartney
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