I absolutely can't focus on my homework and I have less that two weeks to do all of it before school starts, but goddammit how am I supposed to focus with all this crap on my mind. I'm just gonna try to get it out.
I wish someone would read this and really care. I'm considering transferring schools next year. But every time I convince myself that it's what's best, that I need to take a risk and make the leap, I remember all that I'd be leaving being. The good, as well as the bad. Because I wouldn't just be leaving the bullies and the memories of them calling me names, throwing dodge balls at my head, telling me I don't matter. I'd be leaving the bullies I'd made friends out of, who apologized and became some of my closest friends. I wouldn't just be leaving the people I've burned bridges with, the friend who broke my heart and makes me feel ill whenever I see her, I'd be leaving the best friends who've stayed. The ones who gave a shit about me when even I didn't care what happened to me. How could I repay them for all their love and care by leaving them? But then again, I'd have to make the choice for myself, and not anyone else. Sometimes it feels like I'm deciding between education and friendship, which is an awful feeling. Plus, I've worked so hard for what I've gotten in Baldwin, for the friendships and the reputation as someone who isn't just a piece of shit nerd. I'm on teams! I'm in clubs! I don't want to let those people down, as well as leaving things that I love doing, that at some points have been the only reasons I didn't transfer earlier. I don't know whats right for me anymore, even though I sometimes know what's wrong. ~Margo
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December 2019
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