I'm angry. I'm so damn angry, I don't know what to do with it, how to express, how to even feel it. I tried writing again, but I'm utter shit at it. It was unique or special. It didn't express anything but blandness and it felt awful. I don't even know what to do.
I have a boyfriend. We've been together for a little over a month now. Sometimes it feels like things are going so great, and sometimes I just feel sick. I know that I've always wanted this incredible and epic relationship full of intrigue and passion, and I know that that is rare and most likely impossible. This isn't that. And in some ways, I like it that way. There's less questioning of how much we like each other, it's more subtle. It feels constant, instead of wavering. I like the lack of questions. But also, I want more. I want to feel like theres just passion. So much passion that we can barely even handle it. I feel bad about that, about wanting more. I really do like him. A lot. Yet, I can't see a future down the road. Although, that's how high school relationships are supposed to be, I guess. I don't like this feeling of being tied down, of not being completely free. As ridiculous as this may sound, I really do think I prefer the feeling of being single and free. I don't want to break up, though. I really don't want to, hopefully not because it's just easier to stay together, to not have to tell everyone and delete the instagram posts and delete the photos and have awkward conversations about it with relatives that have met him. I want to find more in him, well rather, in us. I want adventure and to create myself and to feel beautiful and to be filled with color and sunlight. I'm afraid. Because of this feeling and because I'm listening to Someone Like You by Adele. I don't think I'll go to boys basketball practice tomorrow (I'm a manager). I don't think I can see him right now. Which, in itself, is dangerous. I don't want to think about that guy or my boyfriend or the friends that I love and the love that I've lost and I just don't want to think about anything, but I can't fucking go to sleep, either. ~Margo xx "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead." -Adele
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MargoMy name isn't Margo. Archives
December 2019
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