So... hello friends!
I'd be lying if I said I didn't often think about this blog, even though I haven't posted in months. Sometimes when I'm struggling, when I wonder what any of this is all about, my mind slips back to this very spot and wonders if I should return. I think we all know, however, that the more you put something off the more impossible it becomes to return to it. I really should be working on one of my finals right now, an essay about contemporary Asian and Asian American masculinity, but frankly I just wanted to check in. How is everyone? I hope your days have been sunny, or cloudy if like me you prefer the drearier weather. Any new pets? Any newly discovered tasty recipes? Has anyone read any good books? I recently read Welcome to the Goddamn Ice Cube, a memoir by musher Blair Braverman, and it was SO. GOOD. I'm now almost halfway through my sophomore year of college, double-majoring in Sociology and Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies. I have two on-campus jobs, and one of those jobs is how I met some of my now closest friends. Things are still rough, I'm on the seemingly endless trek to find a new therapist and I've been dealing with some family health issues, but overall I think I'm doing pretty well. I hope I'm doing pretty well. I'm just trying to focus on working hard and hoping that the rest will follow. I can't guarantee I'll return here soon, but I hope I do. I'd like for this to be a place to store by beautiful memories, not just the sad ones. Yours Truly, Not Margo
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So I guess it's been almost two years since I posted on here? Wowie. Whoops, lmao. I knew when I started this- whatever it is- that it wouldn't be frequent but that's a bit extreme.
Thank you to every person who's read any of this. I'm not quite sure where you came from or how you got here, but I'm glad you are. It's comforting to shout into the void and hear something back. I wish I could offer you something more than my disassembled thoughts and shitty creative writing. But, if you're reading this, is there anything you'd like to see? Music recommendations? Uncomfortable honesty in many forms? Photos of dogs? Shoot me a comment and I'll see what I can do. A lot has changed, as per usual between these posts. I'm in college, now a full fledged Adult. Not sure about my major, but that's normal. I got a job that I really wanted and I'll start as soon as the semester starts, which is rad. My love life is still practically nonexistent, but I did give Tinder a go and deleted after three days of creepy comments from creepy guys (although all the girls I matched with were very sweet). I could try to update here more often if anyone's interested. You probably aren't, but the offer is there. Thank you for taking a few moments to be here. I hope you have a good day. I hope the universe delivers you the love you need. -Margo Wow. It's certainly been a while.
I've been pretty good about writing in a journal, but it got lost in my tornado of a room and I'm simply too lazy to look for it right now. I often forget about this blog. It's kind of a nice surprise to remember it even now and then. It's gonna be pretty hilarious to read when I'm older. My life has been pretty much in a lull for the past few months. Recently I had a bad couple of weeks, but I think those were just a weird culmination of strange and unfortunate circumstances. I'm hoping it'll all slow down a little bit, but I'm pretty sure that won't happen until after February is over, and February hasn't even started. The dance team has our final performance coming up. For competition we're dancing to a Beyonce mashup, which I've sort of struggled with. I had a really bad time at our first practice for it (see: anxiety and intense fear of failure) but I love Beyonce so I'm hoping it will improve. I signed up to do a solo dance at competition but I really have no idea if I'll actually go through with it. I feel like I'll kick myself if I don't, because I've looked forward to it for so long, but I have so many stressful things going on in my life right now and I don't know if I want to add another. I suppose we'll see. I feel like I always have a relationship update in these posts, but my love life is completely nonexistent at the moment. There have been some crushes here and there, but nothing has come from any of them. Looks like I've returned to my annual lonely Valentine's Days. Oh well. I continue to proudly live my life as kpop trash. My kpop scenario blog is going pretty well, and the separate twitter acc I have for kpop is really fun, and a nice break from my everyday life. I'm really glad I got back into writing away from my Comp I & II classes. I missed it a lot more than I realized. Well, it's just past midnight, so I should probably go to bed. By bed I mean finish writing a Taehyung from BTS scenario, play some Gardenscapes, listen to angsty rap music, and THEN go to sleep. See you.... sometime. ~Peach (new pen name, woohoo) "Yo, life can be super happy, life can be super sad. I'm trying really hard to separate the good and bad." -Intro to Anxiety / Hoodie Allen I'm in one of those spots
Watsky just released a new song called Talking To Myself, and it somehow describes exactly how I'm feeling today, and how I've been feeling recently. I've felt so many things. I recently got a girlfriend, a little over a month after my boyfriend and I broke. She and I have been friends forever and there are many concerns I have about it, but she makes me smile and laugh and I feel happy around her, but I don't know if that's enough. I'm not sure how my best friends feels towards me. She answers my texts with one word answers. I'm pretty sure she's just sick of my complaining and my anxiety. Which, coincidentally, is the main factor in the ending of most of my most valuable friendships and relationships. I don't really know what to do. If I try to explain this to her, I'll just be whining more, and she'll be frustrated with how anxious I am about it. I know one day she'll move on, she'll move away and marry her boyfriend and we'll promise each other to always be best friends but I know she's meant to have an incredible future and I don't think I'm part of that. I don't want to bother my other friends either. They're incredible, and they don't deserve to have to deal with my burdens as well. I love them too much. I don't want them to feel any of this. And I hate that every time I text them it's about something bad, but if my news is good it sounds like bragging. I don't know what to do. Where to go. Who to talk to. I need a therapist, but I doubt that would happen anytime soon. So, instead I spend every day alone lying in bed, feeling unsatisfied with my life. I know there are things I could be doing, but why? I don't want to sound melodramatic. I don't feel melodramatic. I feel complacent. Which is much worse. What am I supposed to do now? All I want is to spend time with people I love, but that feels so selfish. I'm sick of burdening the people I love. -Margo "Do you ever get lost, deep in your thoughts, tripping when you think about the cost of seeing this through? When you tie your stomach into knots that you don’t know how to undo." -Watsky Hey there. So, two minor updates to begin with. I am becoming a slut for both Les Mis and Hamilton, despite the fact that I have seen neither and have only listened to the soundtracks. Empty Chairs at Empty Tables makes me so sad but I live for it, I Dreamed A Dream is my life anthem, and Yorktown is making me want to marry Daveed Diggs.
And of course, I'm here for a relationship update. I wish I thought to come on here when particularly good things happen as well as particularly bad things, but I just never do. So, Here's where my boyfriend and I are in terms of certain benchmarks we have passed as a couple. First we spent forever trying to be able to kiss each other without being incredibly awkward, which we have gotten MUCH better at, although anything involving me is bound to be at least slightly awkward. Then he touched the butt, which I am 110% for, and just general hands on body stuff. That was followed by sort-of hand stuff. I mean, okay, I tried to give him a handjob and he tried to stimulate me with his hands, but both activities ended with no particularly wonderful outcomes. We tried that again, at which time I was down to my underwear and bra, and he took his shirt off. However, I seem to just be flat out shit at giving handjobs, and he doesn't quite grasp how to properly get a lady off. Honestly it's really frustrating and I feel bad about it, but I'm trying to get better. Fast forward a while, to about six and half months into our relationship, when we finally said 'I love you'. I said it first, as per usual in the relationship, but it actually went really and I realized that how I felt in that moment was how you're supposed to always feel in a relationship. It shouldn't just be a constant worry weighing on my shoulders. I've always really liked the thought of, "It's not supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be worth it." But the way I felt would never be worth it. So I felt great for a hot second, and then here I am, a couple days later. Last night I went to a party at my friend's house (let's call her Jen). So my boyfriend (how about I refer to him as Edward) was there, as well as my bestest of best friends (Eliza? Yeah, that works), among a few other pals of ours. The night was going pretty well, although Edward was being hella grumpy, or at least looking like it, which is not unusual in the least for him. Before he had to go home (whereas I was going to spend the night at Jen's), we ended up making out for like twenty minutes in the back of his car. Then he had to leave so he could be home by curfew, and I was having a lovely time thinking it was a successful evening. Once he got home I got a text from him saying something along the lines of, "Are we ever going to try to do stuff again because we tried that one time and after that... nothing..." What. The. Fuck. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel?! Asking if we're ever going to be intimate again as if that was the only thing holding us together? As if it was my disinterest holding me back when in fact its crippling anxiety and trust issues that he's completely aware of?? And I know he probably didn't mean it way it sounded but it still hurt like a bitch, and I let it hurt me, and I spiraled and had a severe anxiety attack. Thus, I spent half an hour lying face down into a pillow on Jen's floor with my best friend Eliza trying to console me and calm me down. It fucking sucked. And when I told Edward what had happened, because I couldn't text him during that whole time, he said that he really hated that he makes me feel like. TO WHICH IM ALSO LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. I feel so terrible because it's not his fault, its my own fucking fault that sometimes I can't breathe in social situations, and frankly, I'm too goddamn much trouble than I'm worth. Basically the situation sucks and I'm horrified that I'm on the edge of losing a relationship to my mental health issues, yet again. I just don't want to think of my life without Edward in it. It's awful. ~Margo "But there are dreams that cannot be, And there are storms we cannot weather," -I Dreamed a Dream, Les Mis Hola mis amiga. Hoy es el 24 de mayo. Estoy contento hoy. Yo tengo sed y escucho musica de Korea.
Alright that's enough spanish for today. I'm officially a week into my summer break and so far I have accomplished watching a season of a tv show on Netflix in a day only to discover that it had been cancelled (and it ended on A HUGE CLIFFHANGER!!!), downloading Got7's newest album, and spending an entire day at library in which I checked out multiple books about Shakespeare, and some poetry collections. I am such a nerd. But I got Hamlet so I can re-read it!!! As you may know, I handle my life and daily anxieties by making lists. Yesterday while I was at the library I got overwhelmed with excitement and antici. . .pation! (If you get that reference, I love you) about how many things I have to do over the summer. So now I'm going to make a list of my goals for the summer. Some are small and some are big, but I want to accomplish them all the same.
I'm sure there's more, but that's all I can think of right now. I might come back later and add some more when I think of them. ~Margo xx "ni bare balmajchwo gireul geotneun ge baljagugi mame nama neomu joheunde When I walk following your footsteps It’s so good because the footprints are left in my mind" -Something Good, Got7 To be or not to be- that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep. . . Shit. I have to memorize "To Be Or Not To Be" from Hamlet for an acting class, and that's all I've got so far. Granted, that's already fulfilling like half of the required amount of lines to memorize, but I am determined to learn the whole. damn. thing. Well, that's all I've got for today. ~Margo xx "But that the dread of something after death / The undiscovered country, from whose bourn / No traveller returns. . ." -Hamlet,William Shakespeare Hey there.
I was looking in the archives of this blog to find some of my poetry and I realized that it's been over a year since I started posting here. Wow. In some ways it feels like only a few months, and in some ways I can barely remember even making it. I've noticed that this site has had visitors- I'm not quite sure what that's about? I have no idea if it's some automated viewing thing and no people are actually seeing it, or if people have typed in the wrong url and gotten this. But, if there's anyone actually reading this... hey homie. What's up? How have you been? Why do you care even remotely about my lame ass life? Today was weird. As. Hell. I went to a surprise birthday party for a friend of mine and guuueeeees who was there. Yup. both my recent ex-friend whom I posted about a little while ago, and my ex-best friend from years ago whom completely wrecked all of my self-confidence and it one of the main reasons I have extreme trust issues. It was so strange, and they were being super pleasant towards me... idk man. There were people around, so I figured I could just ignore them, but for like twenty minutes it was just the three of us sitting on a trampoline and talking about random stuff. Reminiscing, even. I really don't know how to feel about it. I can't find any describable emotions, except a little sadness over how much time I spent getting to know them and making memories and learning to trust them, just for it to come to this. Occasional texts with one, and always looking away when my eyes meet with the other. So weird. I got into a bit of a fight with my boyfriend earlier tonight. Well, it wasn't really a fight, more of a frustrated conversation, I suppose? I got home from the party at like 9:30ish, and had settled in for the night to do some homework, read some fic, and go to bed so I could get some sleep and hang out with bae tomorrow. You see, he had his final performance in the school play tonight (which is why he couldn't also be at the party) and had the cast party afterwards. He wanted me to come, because I'm best pals with like half the cast, but I told him I was already home from the previous party. Then, he asked if I would be okay with him and our friends picking me up at 1:00am. So, of course, I was like, "Hell no." Like, seriously, I would never ever fucking sneak out of my house in the wee hours of the morning. Not even because I would get in trouble, but because I'm horrified that my parents would notice that I'm gone and freak the hell out and be super worried about me. I relayed this to my boyfriend, however he than said that I'm never up for adventures anymore. You see, his parents don't give a crap what he's out doing late at night, whereas mine don't/can't go to sleep until I'm home safe. I told him that, and he's just frustrated cause I keep turning down his insane showing-up-at-my-house-after-midnight plans, not because I don't want to see him, because I DO, but because it would be hella selfish of me to do that kind of thing. I just. Ugh. I think we got it kind of worked out, but I'm not sure. Now I'm starting to wonder if I actually will go over to his house tomorrow. . . I don't know if he'll want me to. ~Margo "Life keeps getting in the way. Whenever we try, somehow the plan is always rearranged. It's so hard to say, but I've gotta do what's best for me." -High School Musical 2 I have this problem.
I am becoming increasingly worried about myself because I frequently think, "Why should I go outside and live my life when I so deeply enjoy laying in my bed and obsessing over korean boyband groups while imagining that the fics I'm reading are real and where I belong. What the hell. Okay, now, I've deal with this sort of thing before, particularly when I first entered the One Direction fandom. Yes, I do admit I am incredibly embarrassed by the fact of how hardcore of a fan I was (Yes, I wrote fanfiction, and yes, I would rather be violently murdered than let anyone see it), but, I do not regret it. Being a part of the One Direction fandom opened me up to the wonders of the internet, and through it I met some of my best friends. It also opened me up to writing, which is currently what I aim to spend the rest of my life doing. I slowly fell out of the One Direction fandom as I grew less and less fond of their music, although I certainly still cared about they were doing as human beings, because they had given me so much joy and I was in it for the long haul whether I liked it or not. But, I stopped spending all of my free time reading fics about them either falling in love with each other or with an OC (who I always imagined myself being, of course), and I no longer had concerning heart palpitations every time I saw a gifset of Louis smiling on my tumblr dashboard. Although I missed being so excited and passionate about something, it was honestly relieving to not constantly feel like my life without fiction wasn't a waste of time, because why actually live life when I could just imagine living it. Now, fast forward to mid-sophomore year of high school. I am aware of the existence of kpop, but not particularly interested in listening to it or being anywhere near it. However, one fateful day I clicked on the Call Me Baby music video by EXO after frequently seeing it in the suggestions on YouTube, and my life was changed forever. I am now surprised when I turn the radio on and hear music that I understand. Now, I don't exclusively listen to kpop, as I am still hardcore trash for Panic! At The Disco, Fall Out Boy, Twenty-One Pilots, New Politics, Hoodie Allen, etc., but sometimes I go days without listening to songs that are in my native language. Now it's not just EXO, it's also Got7, BTS, BigBang, Twice, and many more. I have over 1,400 photos of Kim Jongin saved in a folder on my phone. I watched all three seasons of Real GOT7 in two days. I have a friend who yells "BAMBAM" at me in Spanish class just to see me drop everything because I heard the name of my bae, AND HE'S NOT EVEN MY BIAS. Don't even get me starting on fucking Wang Jackson I sWEAR. Recently I was asked during truth or dare if I had had more sexual thoughts about EXO or my boyfriend. I said EXO. My boyfriend was in the room. My love of kpop has gone so far to bother my boyfriend because he's concerned that I like them more than him. DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH OF A PROBLEM THIS IS. I would venture to say it's not entirely unhealthy, though. Kpop has exposed me to learning about a new culture and seeing how incredible it is that people who don't even speak the same language can come together over thousands of miles to support a group of people we've never even met. I mean, that's pretty flipping incredible if you think about it. Well, I don't really have a conclusion about all of this, or a bullshit moral that I made up simply to tell myself that I don't have a problem. But, y'know, I very much enjoy spending every night reading fics about two korean boys falling in love and occasionally fucking. It makes my lil gay heart smile. #Kaisoo #Sekai #Markson #Jackbam ~Margo Happy Easter.
I hate when there isn't anyone I can talk to. I know it's selfish. I just want someone to rant to about my problems and get advice from, but everyone tells me that's what friends are for, and that's what I'm always doing for those I have. It's times like these when I remember just how many people I've lost and you know what? It fucking sucks. My best friend is currently in Chile with an incredibly spotty wifi connection. I would give just about anything for her to be with me right now. She's so lovely, and she always knows how to get me through my rough spots. My other best friend recently got back from Ecuador (Wow, what is it with my friends and leaving the country?) so I'm afraid she'll be in emotional shambles from having to leave paradise, and will busy with unpacking, as well as with her unhealthily possessive boyfriend who is probably freaking the fuck out because her phone didn't work there and they talk every goddamn moment of the day. My other other best friend... well, she's probably asleep already, even though it's pretty early. I hate complaining to her. I hate when people look at me like I'm broken, even if I kinda am in sometimes. I've always tried to make her proud of me, to only show her the strong parts so she won't think I'm weak. She shouldn't have to deal with my anxiety and depression. My boyfriend is being a buttmunch right now, and recently as well. He's busy watching the Walking Dead, so I can't talk things through with him, which I really would like to do because he's one of the things that's bothering me a bunch right now. My ex-best friend is being really weird. Honestly, she's who I really want to talk to right now, and it's another stab in the chest every time I reach for my phone then remember I can't text her. We had a weird moment recently. I went to a part she was at and she was intentionally trying to be all affectionate and talkative with me, and then later that night I texted her that I missed hanging out with her, but its the goddamn truth and I thought maybe we could have a chat about it and get everything off our chests and maybe open a channel for another friendship. She starts off with small talk, asking me how my family is, saying I look like I'm doing well. Then, she starts ranting about how much she misses her ex-boyfriend, WHO WAS THE VERY REASON SHE STOPPED BEING MY FRIEND IN THE FIRST PLACE. then she sent me screenshots of texts between her and his new girlfriend, who's now my ex-best friend's best friend (boy is that situation effed up). And like, you gotta be on a level with someone to send them screenshots of conversations with your best friend. I thought we abandoned that level LONG ago. So, I give her the advice I've always given her about how strong she is and how she'll make it through it and that she shouldn't underestimate her self worth. So, we text a little more, she briefly thanks me, and says goodnight. That was two weeks ago, and since then, NOTHING. Like, seriously. What the hell is that?! Ugh. So, that's me being a cry baby. I feel so stuck and sick and I just want to leave but I don't know where to go. "They call you cry baby, cry baby, but you don't fucking care Cry baby, cry baby, so you laugh through your tears." -Cry Baby, Melanie Martinez |
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